For the women who are not single by choice, I've listed five common causes of unwelcomed singledom.
If you feel like you generally have a hard time sealing the deal and moving a dating situation from casual to serious you’re not alone. We all struggle with dating and many of us will sit and wonder “what is wrong with me?” We see others appearing blissfully in love and we wonder why not us. While the simple answer is that it’s merely not your season, there are five common reasons that are within our control.
Five Common Causes of Unwelcomed Singledom
Bad Vibes - Everyone can pick up on the energy around them. Men are like dogs, they can smell crazy from a mile away. Untamed insecurities seep from pours like bad B.O. People can pick up on it & that is why so often confidence is the key to success. When we have major insecurities we suppress instead of work through, we carry that heavy energy of pressure around with us. If you do not confront insecurity head-on, work through past heartbreak, and heal old wounds your energy will feel like a ticking time bomb to the people around you. Worthwhile men will be turned off by this vibe while the predator men will lock in to pray on your weaknesses. In our single season, we are called to align ourselves with the energy of what we desire. This means if we want a healthy relationship we have to do some inner work on healing our previous relationship wounds and overcoming insecurities first. This is key in attracting the partner we want in our lives.
You settle for situationships - See why he doesn’t court you. Many of us find ourselves in long term non-committal situationships at some point in our lives. It is not uncommon in today's day and age to struggle with turning a casual dating situation into a full-blown adult relationship. Usually when people struggle with this is is because they are unsure if the option of a relationship is even available to them. Because we have experienced past rejection we don’t even try. Any change in life takes action. If he knows you will always be around no matter then he has no incentive to become serious with you. Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free? Being unsure of what you’re worth and settling for less is a huge factor in many women’s unwanted singledom.
Too much too soon - Often times as women we meet a nice guy, get excited, plan our future with a man we barely know and we get ahead of ourselves. Doing entirely too much too soon. Dating is like cooking, you don’t want to over-season the pot. When we meet a guy and start opening up our lives in big ways early on it is a signal to the man that you are emotionally needy and desperate for love. It signals a deficiency in self-love and the ability to pour into yourself. No man worth having wants a desperate woman. He will have enough foresight to see the "you never appreciated me" coming 3 months down the line when she foolishly has done too much hoping to gain leverage in his life. Emotional neediness is a huge turn off to anyone who is emotionally stable. The best advice is to pump the breaks sis. If you often find yourself giving up too much too soon start implementing boundaries for yourself & start a self-love routine to pour into yourself. Filling your time with hobbies, work, and a lot of self dating, especially when you first meet someone new.
You overplay the mom role - No one wants to bone their mom sis. Many women do not know how to appropriately interact with men as two equal adults. We are so jaded and have been fed so much misinformation we really believe that when men say they want a girl like their mom that means they want you to be their mom. No, calm down, that’s your man, not your child. When you play the mom role two things happen; 1) he loses sexual attraction to you & 2) he begins to lack appreciation for you. Examples of overplaying include but are not limited to the constant “you didn’t let me know when you got home last night, I was worried sick”, "what time will you be home tonight? Can you call me when you get in the house?", nitpicking, and trying to direct his future in the efforts to “make him better”. If you do these things you are crossing into dangerous territory. I see it all the time, women who speak to & interact with the men they are dating like he’s their 11yr old son, and then wonder why he stopped calling or stayed but acted ain’t shit. Overplaying the mom role invites fuck boys into your life. The men who are grown and don’t need raising will pick this up as a red flag or resent you for it over time. The men who are toxic with mommy issues will cling to you as their new mommy. The best advice is to stay in your lane, be caring but also recognize he is a grown man who can figure it out on his own. Let that man be a man! It is not your job to raise a man sis & if he still needs raising then he ain’t ready to be your man!
Give off homie vibes ie carrying masculine energy - There are two parts to this reason. The first is we allow these men to treat us like homies instead of ladies when we are not trying to be their friends. The second part is about energy. All humans possess both masculine and feminine energy & can pull on either at any given time. Traditional speaking, men carry stronger masculine energy due to testosterone which is associated with hunting, pursuit, problem-solving, dominance, etc. Women on the other hand carry feminine energy. This energy is sensual, creative, nurturing, soothing, resilient, flexible, and light. The issue today is a lot of women have bought into the patriarchal idea that feminine energy is weak. That we must prove our worth as humans by exhibiting as much masculine energy as we can. This idea has been fed to us through many avenues including white feminism that pushes an idea that to be equal to men we must be like men. I reject this idea entirely. Many women are single or have a hard time dating because they do not know how to lean into their power. There is an art of switching between your masculine and feminine energy & many women have been forced to live in their strong, independent, masculine so long they forget what their feminine feels like. Truth is, when it comes to heterosexual cisgender dating, he doesn’t want to date a dude sis. He lives in masculine energy, he is surrounded by other men and their heavy energy all day. So when he comes to his woman he wants to feel warm, inviting, nurturing feminine energy. Feminine energy overall promotes vulnerability by creating a safe and comfortable space for it to take place and believe it or not, that’s all most men want at the end of the day. Rember when dating that you are trying to build a team with the other person so big dick contests with him are not necessary.