How to Spot a Commitment-Phobe

In a generation where commitment phobia runs rampant knowing the signs can help you protect your emotional peace.

Commitment issues seem to be a top dating issue in the millennial black community. While there are historical reasons for why Black folk may shy away from the idea of marriage or long-term commitment, the simple truth is many people are just wounded and have built up defenses around their hearts. While we all will struggle with tendencies from time to time, commitment-phobes don't just struggle, they sabotage.


For those of us who have a healthy view of commitment, dating a commitment-phobe can be extremely damaging emotionally. Learning to spot the red flags of commitment phobia early on in ourselves and others enables us to make choices that serve us and ultimately heal and empower us.


Signs of Commitment Phobia

  1. They walk ahead of you, never next to you.

  2. They speak only in "I" terms, never we.

  3. They speak hypothetically about their future to avoid language that could imply you are included in that future vision or plan.

  4. They create distance between you and the other important people in their lives.

  5. They avoid discussing the current state of your relationship.

  6. They are generally indecisive and have a tough time following through.

  7. They avoid any documentation of the relationship (ie. pictures, videos, etc.)

  8. They avoid public gatherings with you and refuse to participate in any family or friends-related events.

  9. They often compartmentalize portions of their life and show discomfort around the idea of inclusivity.

  10. They are spread thin, always ensuring a schedule that is packed too tight for intimacy, and always too busy to be relied upon.

  11. They resent being relied upon while often encouraging you to trust them.

  12. They often seem unexplainable angry with you or the people close to them when the relationship seems to be going well.

  13. They create a relationship pattern of up and down, causing chaos whenever stability is near and chasing closeness with you after causing the chaos.

Bouns: They run relationships in a "my way or the high way" fashion, leaving little room for compromise. Commitment phobic people always make sure to get what they need but on their time and always on their terms. They prioritize their convenience in the relationship as that is the only way relationships work for them.