An open letter of accountability to the decent dudes I dated in the past.
This letter is for all the decent men I encountered on my dating journey who just wasn’t ready for love.
For those of you who truly cared for me, but I over watered.
I was doing some self-reflection, and I realize I owe you an apology.
I want to say I’m sorry. I am sorry for being emotionally needy.
I am sorry for placing my unresolved emotional burdens on you.
I realize that throughout our relationship, I became increasingly emotionally needy. I masked it with over-giving. Pouring into you where I should have been pouring into myself.
This was not what either of us needed.
I drowned you in affection and emotions society had you unequip to receive while simultaneously starving myself of the water my soil so desperately needed.
Looking back, throughout my young dating life, outside of the circumstances of abuse, I recognize a pattern—decent men, not ready for love whom I attracted and entertained.
I have to ask myself why. What was my motivation for craving the emotionally unavailable?
Was it my emotional unavailability?
Or my familiarity with inwardly chaotic men?
Or perhaps my compulsive desire for distraction.
At that moment, it was easier to focus on you rather than me. Time and time again, I fell into bad habits due to my insecurities or need for escapism. Whether you asked or not, it was instinctual for me. I have been a martyr my whole life. Sacrificing myself for the greater good of others has been how I weighed my worth.
I realize now that my emotional neediness was a projection of my anxieties & pushed you away emotionally. It ruined the safe environment the lured you into me in the first place.
I never really lost anything when you left. I was filling space and time with fantasy, as were you. My ego cried due to embracement & pride. Still, deep down, I knew I had quietly created the environment for the emotional withdrawal I expected from you to take place. I had purposefully chosen you, a man with all the red flag of someone not ready because your ultimate emotional retreat was in line with my narrative.
You knew I was too good for you from the jump, but why wouldn't you take an opportunity you may never get again? I don't blame you. Thank you for being honest about this fact because it helped me learn never to discount my worth again.
Now I am writing a new story & I realize the breakups' blessing was they left me free to work unapologetically on me.