With two kids on my hips and gratitude in my heart, I have arrived at my promise land.
When I look back on my life as a mother of one up until now, I see just how much room there was for distractions. Distractions of pleasure, fear, and longing. I see it more than ever reflecting on 2022 when I allowed myself to become disconnected and distracted from my goals, caught up in my emotions trying to save someone else. I took a detour into a world I had no business in, a world completely different from my own, a world I wouldn't be caught dead in without the brain-fogging effects of "love". While I felt ashamed of myself at first after realizing how delusionally distracted by my feelings and desires I had become, I can now make this reflection openly holding no regrets. I value the healing and lessons provided to me from the experiences I went through in 2022 that brought me to this current version of myself.
How 2 kids vs 1 has already changed me:
The biggest shift for me mentally in 2023 has come from becoming a mother of two kids. It was the call to a higher level of focus that I needed. Being pregnant all year was the best thing that could have happened for me because it brought me back down to reality. Ironic how God can use fear, heartbreak, and deception meant to destroy us to level us up in clarity.
I've always been a great mom who takes her job super seriously, but now as a mother of two, I am completely willing to sacrifice my whole self for my family. I no longer seek to keep pieces of me for me, my children can have it all because they are my greatest ministry. My second son isn’t even earthside yet and I already have seen a drastic level up in my self-regulation skills, emotional maturity, and self-discipline. I have found my motherhood flow again with my firstborn thanks to the adjustments made early on in this pregnancy that restored our balance and protected our peace. I have been course-corrected from my detour of 2022 and it has allowed me to flourish in motherhood again. My only desire right now is to be closer to God, laser-focused on my goals, and completely engulfed in my duties to my sons.
"The mental difference between two kids and one is that with one kid you can still waste time and be a part time f**k girl if you want (or full time if you’re truly that bold). With two kids, especially as a single mom, there is no room for distraction or detours."
The mental difference between two kids and one is that with one kid you can still waste time on personal pursuits, and be a part-time fuck girl if you want (or full-time if you’re truly that bold). With two kids, especially as a single mom, you are faced with two options; double down on distraction coping mechanisms or humble yourself completely to the level up. For me, I have chosen the latter and there is no room for detours.
The way I see it, my time management, self-mastery, and self-discipline all need to be on point otherwise I will jeopardize the stability of my household. For me, the peace, stability, and upward trajectory of my household have always been my number 1 top priority. With one child it was easier to maintain that stability while still pursuing frivolous personal desires of my own that really just distracted me for the parts of my life I was unsatisfied. Now pregnant with my second, the call to a higher level of responsibility has granted me a higher level of perspective.
There has also been a drastic identity shift that has happened for me from having two kids vs one. When I had just one kid I still missed the old me, even though the pre-motherhood Simone was a hot a** mess. With my first son, motherhood saved me and changed me for the better, but I still felt so much pressure to look back on the girl I used to be. Likely from listening too much to society, I felt immense pressure to hold on to and preserve parts of an old identity that hadn’t been me in years simply out of the comfort of familiarity. As women we are constantly told not to lose ourselves in motherhood but frankly, what if that's the best thing for me?
With the upcoming birth of my second son, I fully embrace the woman I am today and the woman I am becoming unashamedly. I don’t care to look back or find who I used to be. I don’t know that girl anymore. The familiarity is no longer there, the old me is dead and I am happy to let her rest in peace.
In this new chapter of my life, God has removed all fondness for my past distractions and replaced those desires with an unshakable sense of security. Throughout this pregnancy I have gained a deeper knowledge of self, a closer relationship with God, and a greater appreciation for where I am currently. Having two kids has given me the confidence and faith I need to let go of who I used to be and the comforts I used to seek, empowering me to push forward on bigger and better goals.
I truly believe that God makes no mistakes. He knew I needed the added pressure of two kids in an imperfect situation to become the polished diamond I intended to be. He knew that given the opportunity to have my prayer for another child answered I wouldn’t cower away from the challenge no matter what. I know the covenant I made to God years ago, and therefore I know in my heart that God is using this new phase in motherhood to deliver me.
The timing is divine and perfect even if the situation threw me for a loop initially. I turn 30 in a few months and there is no room for even the slightest bit of old Simone tendencies or insecurities coming with me. I have been called to a land of pure joy, abundance, and prosperity. My old habits, associates, comforts, and desires can not follow me. I willingly leave them all behind, no looking back, just like the disciples or I risk being turned to stone.
One thing I know to be true in this lifetime; God will deliver us to our destiny but it is our responsibility to step into it with full faith and take ownership of our blessings. We can not do so if we hold doubts about who we are becoming or if we are afraid to fight. With two kids now I feel fully capable and adequate because I know God is with me. I know that we are divinely guided and protected. Jesus has covered us along this journey, otherwise, I wouldn’t have been blessed with my second pregnancy.
The next decade of my life will be so fruitful and sweet, just like I envisioned it in my early 20s. The prophecies I spoke over my life at 23 will come to fruition soon. The constant self-reflection, learning, growing, healing, course corrections, humiliations, humbling, and prayers have not gone unseen. God is actively keeping His promises to me and fulfilling the visions He put inside of me. He will not be mocked. With tears in my eyes and immeasurable pains in my heart, through both good times and bad, I have remained faithful, I have stayed down to come up and that counts for something.
I am optimistic for the future, grateful for the present, and unattached to my past. This is only the beginning of a new chapter and I know my work is far from done but, with two kids on my hips and gratitude in my heart, I have arrived at my promise land.
Isaiah 51:2-3 “Though he was but one when I called him, I blessed him and made him many. Yes the Lord shall comfort Zion, shall comfort all her ruins. Her wilderness He shall make like Eden, her wasteland like the garden of the Lord. Joy and gladness shall be found in her. Thanksgiving and the sound of song.”