A reflection on my PTSD recovery journey and my newfound feeling of safety.
Sometimes it takes a while to recognize that you are finally safe.
I looked up today and had a moment of tears. I realized that me and my child are safe. That while it might seem like a small feat to others, we consistently live in a peaceful and stable home.
If I have accomplished nothing of meaning I have accomplished this.
I escaped the cycle of abuse. My child and I made it out safely.
I am freed from environments of chaos and control.
Our home is peaceful, full of laughter and love. We dance, we play, we sing. We have been here for years now and know that his home. I know that I can make and maintain a beautiful home.
While it’s stressful at times and there have been many bumps along the road but, today I am finally safe in this world.
I wake up in the morning to birds chirping in my backyard. I make coffee, look at my tree, and watch my cat chase around beautiful red and blue birds. I drink my coffee slowly and admire the beauty of my neighbor's garden. My son and I have a peaceful morning full of cuddles and giggles. We relax together at night and read the Bible and pray before tucking into bed.
There is no screaming and yelling, no unpredictability, no chaos, no objects being thrown, nothing being broken out of rage, and no threats to my body or property being made. All the doors have been on the hinges and there are no holes in the walls from punches that missed my face.
Im pregnant for a second time and this time there is peace in my home. No one is yelling and verbally abusing me: no hurling objects to duck, no bruises to hide, no fires to put out. Justin cuddles with my belly, I can nap if I need, and my friends and family check in on me regularly.
There are no lies and deceit, or illicit activities to jeopardize the security of my sanctuary.
I am safe and I am not alone. I am surrounded by love and support, and Im grateful for it even when it comes from unexpected places.
For the first time in my life, I am looking up and realizing Im safe. Despite the imperfections in my life, I am secure in my surrounding. It took me a decade to get here but I am now experiencing something I have never truly felt before. Even though I escaped a life of chaos years ago the feeling of safety is only now starting to settle in. I know God is with me and in control. I know I can make choices that serve and protect myself.
If you’re a trauma survivor dealing with PTSD and you feel physically and mentally stuck in a cycle of chaos and abuse mentally, even after you’ve escaped, just know that your body is healing, you will learn to regulate, and you will break those habits that keep you feeling trapped.
God sees you and hears your prayers, they will be answered as you continue to do your work.
One day you will look up and say oh shit I've made it, I am free, I am safe.